Kids Need to Know That They Matter

Mattering vs. Belonging

As researchers across disciplines tackle the ongoing mental health crisis in the US, a working paper recently published by the Harvard University’s Center on the Developing Child has identified a crucial component of building resilience in children. Mattering, “the feeling that we are valued and have value to add to the world,” is a necessary building block of well-being and high self-esteem for people of all ages and, when instilled in young children, acts as a protective barrier against feelings of anxiety and depression as they grow up. 

For many parents and caregivers, this is a no-brainer. Letting the children we care for know that they matter to us is often an intuitive part of the work we do with kids. However, it is important to apply new language to this value and make it an actionable caregiving approach. 

Letting children know that they matter is often lumped in with other virtues like belonging, which are no doubt important, but mattering and belonging are two different things. A child may feel or know that they are accepted in their community regardless of their background, but knowing that they matter to the people around them is just as fundamental to their well-being. Children should feel that they bring unique value to their communities and that they are relied upon by others, and be able to see a measurable effect that their contributions have on their environment. The younger we instill in children the belief that they matter, the more resilient they will be as they enter adulthood and beyond. 

How Do We Help Children Feel That They Matter? 

Devoted parents and caregivers may already feel familiar with methods to let the children in their lives know that they matter. Research has found that supportive responses from adults calm a stress response in children’s brains and make them feel valued. This means that we should continue to listen, react warmly and promptly to their emotions and needs, ask them questions, and take the time to learn about their interests. The other important component in mattering is giving children real responsibility that affects the people around them, so that they feel that their contributions are needed and appreciated. 

Our caregivers at Plus One Meetings work hard to ensure that children in our childcare programs feel valued and relied upon. Here are some examples of small but real tasks we give to children to help them feel that their contributions matter:

• Clean up a shared space instead of their own crumbs

• Assign a child to be a “line leader” and help corral the younger kids 

• Have kids help pass out materials for arts and crafts

• Draw pictures/make crafts to give to each other 

• Have a child demonstrate how they did a craft or activity to others

• Help each other set up toys and play areas  

• Encourage older kids to read and play with younger kids

  
  

We’ve noticed that many of the older kids enjoy helping out with infants. We like to give these children staff t-shirts to wear so they feel like a part of the team! Giving kids real responsibility and opportunities to be relied upon is essential in helping children believe that they matter. 

It is also important that we use specific language when encouraging children to help out. When you notice them doing something helpful around the home or classroom, instead of merely thanking them for “helping”, call them a good “helper” to plant the seed that their helpfulness is an intrinsic part of their identity. Go out of your way to recognize their efforts so they know that they bring unique value to the people around them. If they grow up with the belief that their work and contributions are meaningful, appreciated, and would be missed if they were absent, they are more likely to feel prepared to take on whatever school or work throws their way. 

Why Mattering is Important Now More Than Ever

As we move into an era where it is common for work to be outsourced to technology like AI, it is also becoming common for those of us in the workforce to feel that our contributions are undervalued and unappreciated. Growing up with the notion that we are not as capable or even replaceable in our work is incredibly damaging to our well-being. When children are raised to know that they matter, that belief acts as a shield to mental health conditions and hardship in adulthood. It is our responsibility as trusted adults and caregivers to help children feel valued and that they add value to the world so they can grow with resilience, confidence, and happiness.